the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself...

the weepies and lucy schwartz.

rock my world.

andy took me last night for an early birthday present.

it was beautiful.

they took me back to when i still lived in arizona.

i kinda miss that danni.

i feel like i changed a lot after moving here, and not all in a great way.

i've been paralyzed in fear...

fear of failing

(especially after the art school incident...of making a rash decision and being left with waaaay too much debt. i try to think that i wouldn't be here without that school, but in the end i'm not sure if that was a good idea..)

fear of being known

(seriously! i have quit doing all that i used to loooove doing. because i fear failing and i fear of not matching up to everyone up here...maybe i haven't found my niche just yet, or maybe i passed it due to said fear.)

i think fear of failing really sums it up.

but i'm losing my mind. so jesus please help me figure this out!

anyways, after having a melt down, andy took me to the show. i had to hide my tears throughout the night (because how girly would it be to cry at a weepies show!?) everything was cutting so close to home. i am so tired of feeling worn out, alone, and unworthy.

i'm my harshest critic, but i pin it on everyone else.

so. i'm writing it here to make it more real.

mostly because i don't dare say it out loud to andy because i tend to say a lot of empty epiphanies to excuse my melt downs.

i'm just going to be.

i'm going to be the danni i want to be. the one i'm supposed to be.

cause this isn't her.

i'm going to start writing more.

i'm going to dust off my old nikon.

i'm going to listen to music and sit in silence more.

i'm going to pray.

i'm going to read.

i'm not going to give up or throw in the towel anymore.

life is in the perspective.

so i won't paint myself the victim anymore, cause i sure wasn't fooling anyone.

i leave you with these lyrics...

Yesterday when you were young
Everything you needed done was done for you
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, what can you do?

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

You know there will be days
When you're so tired
That you can't take another step
The night will have no stars
And you'll think you've gone as far
As you will ever get

You and me wak on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

And yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
Yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
If you ever turn around, you'll see me

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back

show and tell!

OCTOBER?! where are you going!!!!!!!

sorry i stink at posting, i get wrapped up in reading about everyone else in the world...

i feel as though i've fallen off this planet, and landed on one of my very own!

so here's what's going down on my planet...

-we got a wee bitty kitten! her name is olive. and we are best friends.

my former neighbor found her on the side of the road and she was barely a pound! we had a flea massacre, and now she is cuddly and adorable!

but...she's teething...so i all day i have fearfully walk around our apartment hoping she isn't stalking my limbs. she consistently targets my hands..toes...legs...face...to bite. i feel like i understand her pain though. my wisdom teeth are coming in, and it DOES hurt. so bite on lil' lady.

i feel like such a weirdo, but she is the coolest lil' thing ever. i love her.

-i've been sick like every day. head aches head aches go awayyyy

-i got a job! but they keep pushing back my start date....blugh. i just wanna work people!

-so, in the mean time, i've been sewing, playing with olive, and watching so much freaking law and order svu. i can't get enough of that stuff! i can seriously predict who the bad guy is after ten minutes into the show. so you know who to call if you need a detective i guess!

-i'm falling more and more in love with my husband, (mush mush mush, i know. but i'd be lying if i didn't bring it up!) with this lack of job and feeling like i live on my own planet, i've been having a few emotional breakdowns. in the past, i'd just call my mom, hash it out, and pretend nothing ever happened. but now i live with this stud of a man, and i can't help but emotionally vomit all over him. bless him. i can't express how thankful i am for him.

-andy's been working like a mad man. and i'm learning how to be his partner in all of this, without complaining and stuff....

-we went to the weepies concert! but i have to post another posty thing for that experience

-OH! our hard cider is now drinkable! oooooh it's tasty. kind of tastes like champagne, and boy is it alcoholic! i think we may have added a bit too much sugar or something! sheesh!

i don't know what else to write.

this all sounded so much wittier and cute in my head.

sick sick sick!

oh my!

what a day...

and poor andy.

he's been sick since 6 am!

my heart breaks every time he makes a run for the bathroom...

but secretly, i love love love taking care of him!

we've watched four movies from red box...drank lots of vitamin water...

ate a lil soup....went through a sleeve of saltines...

and napped on and off all day...

lazy lazy monday....

p.s. andy makes really scary throw up sounds. :)

wow oh wow.

so...after four hours of struggle...

rosemary apple pie was a success!!!!

but the whole purpose of making it, a disaster.

my friend jessica and tyson are getting married today, and asked everyone to bring a pie!

so i prepped and baked and blended....

but now i can't go to the wedding!

sad day.

but it's a crisp, fall oregon day, and i pray my friends have a beautiful day!

here's the link to the recipe:

http://www.bhg.com/recipe/pies/rosemary-apple-pie/

the crust is so flakey and the filling so rich!

you will not regret putting the time, sweat, and effort into it!

love it!

at this moment....

i am baking two...count them TWO!

rosemary apple pies...

we'll see how this goes!

it only took me over four hours to make them, but i have my fingers crossed!

i'll post the recipe if the outcome is utterly delightful :)

ugh.

being selfless is so hard.

this week...

man! it's been a while!

this week has flown by...i can hardly believe. thankfully, after the craziness of last week, andy and i got to spend a lot of time together! on tuesday he surprised me and drove us down to benton winery in corvallis! it has one of the top 80 out of 100 wines in the world! and they also gave free, yep FREE, wine tastings of their top 4 wines! it was delicious! afterwards, we both grabbed a glass of our favorite and sat out here...

and looked out over this....

it was so wonderful!!!! we felt pretty classy...

best video.

blah blah blah.

ugh. just got home from work, and i can't express how ready i am to be done selling bras.

people drive me nuts.

and really, i thought i was pretty patient person most of the time...

ha ha.

2 things i'm stoked about right at this moment...

-yesterday i found out the cart was three weeks behind schedule, which really dampened my style because i have a week left at the current job. and i could not muster up the strength to stay there for another week. no sir, not me. so i emailed my new bosses and let them know that i am free and would love to do absolutely anything until the cart was done! and guess what?! they might need a scooper in front of a few events...i am so stoked! i feel like jesus keeps reminding me that He has all of this under control if i would have the faith to trust Him with my anxieties rather than complain and try to do it all on my own.

-the second wrap of the day that i just devoured. yum.

things i am not the least bit excited about...

-i haven't seen andy in a day now, and won't see him til sunday. uh. i know it's really not that bad, but it makes my heart a lil heavy. and it makes me want a tub of ice cream.

-all the dishes i've been ignoring, and the overflowing laundry hampers.

WHICH! brings me to another thought!

i love not having to pay for water and all, but i can't wait to have a personal washer and dryer again! i hate scrambling for quarters all the time so i can dry our clothes! and...oh this is the worst...AND i am such a sorry sight when i have to lug a heaping hamper of clothes, laundry detergent, softener, quarters and keys...it kills! i always end up with bruises and such...oh i almost forgot! i miss being able to leave clothes in the dryer for days....that'll be so nice! for real. no more worrying if i dropped any unmentionables in the parking lot! and no more worrying if i'm keeping any one else from doing their laundry :)

goodness...i'm thankful that these are the only things i truly have to complain about. we have life pretty good.

i'm gonna watch party down and eat nutella out of the jar.

i biked today so i think it's completely justifiable :)

peace nerds.

oh. harsh reality.

shaving in the sink is the worst idea in the shaving world.

i could practically hear the oncoming razer burn.

avoid as much as possible dear friend.

so i'm not very consistent...

i'm really not the best at keeping up to date on these things....

and i more of enjoy writing in random, choppy sentences...

maybe that's how my mind just works?

so instead...here's what i'm just LOVE love LOVING right now.

-the nutella peanut butter cookies i whipped up. i think i like them mostly because they gave me the excuse to buy nutella and eat it with my fingers as i baked. but i'm a "grown up" and i can do what i want. and i want to eat nutella with my right pointer finger until my belly rumbles. so there :)

-whip it. i'm so out of date. but i just watched it...and i started doing push ups in the middle of the movie. very thankful no one was here to witness the sorry sight.

-the new job i'm eagerly waiting to start. i'm the new fifty-licks ice cream scooper! watch out biceps, you're gonna get a rude awakening. and watch out portlanders, cause i'm gonna make you all smile even as the rain pours for weeks!

and that's a threat :)

-she and him pandora. epic.

-being a bona fide winhold. and a real oregonian. andy and i went and got our licenses (it only took like two years!) i'm gonna brag a lil bit, and note that i got a 97%! take that.

-being andy's wife. he's the greatest. i truly don't get it!

-andy's mustache. ha ha! i asked him to shave it and he's kept it all week. i'm his wife now...so i think i'm allowed to say how hott he is sporting the mustache. i mean he's always hot, but he's double t hot with the mustache. :)

-cream cheese in wraps. i made some killer wraps with jalapeno cilantro tortillas, filled with ham, spinach, onions, avocado, red peppers spread on chive/onion cream cheese. SO GOOD! do it. you won't be able to stop eating!

-making the bed has become an unforeseen habit. i really like it. i get up. make the bed. and it feels like a complete sentence.

here are some things i want to love a lil more...

-knitting. with it getting all colder and stuff i need to pick up my needles again. they've been in mid-scarf all summer! sad day.

-not caring so much. i'm so tired of paralyzing myself with fears, worries, and overanalyzing. i'm over it. gonna be myself again...and not the girl i feel like i should be.

-trusting. growing. praying. pursuing.

-there's always room for improvement :) but andy's teaching me to just love where i am

bah...i'm gonna go shave my beastly legs in the sink.

smell ya later.

How to be alone...

I'm usually ok with being alone.

But most recently, it leaves me in puddles on the bed.

This brought a little sunshine into my day.

I hope it does the same for you.

It's truth.

I am choosing to believe what I believe.

That embracing the beauty in every moment is freedom.

Rather than seeking desperately for meaning in company.

How To Be Alone

i have become a woman.

so....guess what i'm doing right....now.

waiting approximately five minutes before i need to stir the granola that is baking in the convention oven. and waiting thirty minutes until i can check whether the loaf of bread is done in the oven. needless to say....our house smells AMAZING and it's hella hot in here!

i never thought that on my day off i'd be so eager to bake/cook! but i found some sweet recipes and i've really enjoyed watching andy try them! a few nights ago we made a zucchinni onion pizza! it was so good! i got to exercise my desire to cook and eat healthy, and andy got to flex his awesome pizza making skills, (which resulted in the entire kitchen being covered in a layer of flour)

here's a lil' recipe for that pizza....

fill your grocery cart with:

-1 zucchinni

-1 red onion

-1 batch of pizza dough

-3/4 c cream cheese

-3/4 c parmesan

-olive oil

-1 clove garlic

-any seasonings you want, such as dill, garlic salt, pepper.....

in the kitchen:

-mix cream cheese with herbs and diced garlic

-preheat oven to 400

-spread dough onto pan

-spread cream cheese on that dough :)

-slice onion and zucchini

-sprinkle on parmesan and then arrange the veggies

-brush with olive oil

-bake for 20ish minutes

YUM! it's so good. it might not be all that healthy, but who eats zucchini on a normal basis? we felt pretty satisfied :) oh! and if you like meat, add a little ham on top too, it's so good!

over and out.

ups and downs.

Today was quite a day...

I went to bed without andy last night, which is among my least favorite things to do. But i like to scatter notes around the house to keep him company as if i were there :) he came home late, and i woke up early to go to work...i got off early, which was so nice, and then met up with andy a lil' while later....then things got rocky. i'm convinced it's the tough conversations that will grow us closer and closer together, and for this i am thankful. it gives them a purpose i suppose.

then he went off to work! lamezor.

but i can't describe how blessed i am for the time i spent with a dear friend. we just decompressed and shared our guts. this is such a hard thing for me to do....to let down my guard and say what's on my mind and heart. most of the time i think i get very political, and only say what i am expected to say. but with her, i can just be honest.

so we talked...laughed...and dreamed. this is my favorite thing to do. or favourite. we talked about all the places we'd be willing to move...it had to be hot in the summers, snowy in the winters, big storm season, no humidity, and have tons of lightning bugs for catching.

this convo just sparked my imagination for what our future could look like. bah! i want to have a farm, pollinated by our very own bee hive....i want to live with or amongst people...i want to live for so much more than my own happiness...

most of all, i'm so glad that no matter what i get to experience and enjoy it all with my one partner in crime. that no matter what tough conversations we have, we will always be in it together. thank you jesus.

too much fun thursday.

Oh. my. so yesterday we had our first and only day off together this week! i geeked out a lil bit, and made a wee agenda for the day!

First, we booked our tickets for illinois! I am so excited for the opportunity to meet all of the winholds. it was something we have dreamed of doing in the future, but we never expected it to happen so soon! andy's parents are blessing us with tickets and we get to stay for almost a week! so we leave at midnight, yes i said midnight, and we arrive in st. louis at nine in the morning before meeting the parents at 10pm. so we get all day to adventure around st. louis....we're stewing so many ideas...i am. so. excited.

Then, we biked down to sweet pea cafe on 12th and stark. it's a cute cute cute vegan bakery that serves delicious food and stumptown coffee....andy had a bagel with cream cheese and i had a bagel with vegetable schmear? it was AMAZING! i have never been one for bagels, but i ate the whole thing without a second thought. even andy noticed!

And then, get this...we went to sauvie's island! this is something we've wanted to do ever since we've moved here! so equipped with nothing, we just set out for the mysterious island. after having to cross the scariest bridge of my life, we arrived to a nearly empty farm. but this baby was HUGE! we grabbed a lil' wagon and set out for some yummy berries! a few things i learned about andy on this adventure...

1. he loves raspberries! i had no idea! i was starting to get sick of all the thorns and branches that were set to scratch me, but andy was like a lil' slave driver! he wanted SOOOO many raspberries :) it was so awesome! he just wanted to keep pushing to get as many as he could! (note to self: coho raspberries are where it's at, these guys were SO tasty)

2. he prefers the small baby blueberries to the appropriately ripe ones. he claims healthy blueberries don't taste like anything...while the almost green ones are tangy!

3. he throws raspberries. so watch out and don't wear a white shirt.

so we picked blueberries, raspberries, peaches, and pickling cucumbers all for only ten dollars! it stole my breath away! this place is so rad, and should be a frequent to-do.

oh...i have to mention a conversation i overhead while picking blueberries...it made me so excited...

daughter: dad, look at how many blueberries i can fit in my hand.

dad: wow, that's a lot!

daughter: yeah! especially with how little my hands are!

dad: yes. you do have little hands....but how many have you eaten?

daughter: i've only eaten 2! but look how many i can hold!

so...it made my heart skip a beat! it was so precious. i loved getting to eavesdrop in all of these peoples lives, disguised by a row of blueberry trees.

next, we set out to find the beach...which we got bored of looking for after ten minutes. but andy said illinois is prettier anyways. :)

then we bought groceries to make a mexican casserole and pie! andy made a KILLER mexican cheesy dish as i made a sweet pie from our pickings!

it was so beautiful. then we watched dexter and acted like lil' kids the rest of the night.

i love him.

ok. giving this a shot.

I can't begin to describe how encouraged I have been by reading the blogs of friends and friends of friends. I feel like I've been in the thick of emotional muck, and I haven't been able to express or explain these feelings to anyone...but reading the stories of ladies that have recently gotten married has been so much fun for me! It's made me slow down a bit, and savor the delicacies of this season.

So, I thought maybe creating a lil' blog of my own would make me slow down and truly enjoy life's blessings...because, in all honesty, this is such a beautiful season.

Andy and I have been married for almost two months now. I can't believe it! It has been SO much fun, and SO much different than I expected! I always thought we were the exception to everything, but I think no one is safe from the difficulties of being newlyweds :) the differences between men and women are inescapable! It's so funny to me.

But, I have to say, the challenges have made me love Andy so much more. I have never been more vulnerable with anyone than I am with him. And he is equally vulnerable with me. It is so beautiful.

And the fun stuff about being married is impossible to count. I don't have enough fingers or toes to list them all out. But hey....I'll give it a lil' shot:

-waking up for work to fresh coffee and pancakes. I've never gone to work with such a full belly!

-making yummy dinners and leaving dishes for the next day!

-biking home so fast knowing andy is home

-waking up to resume spooning and falling asleep again

-reading with our handy headlamps (thank you so much todd and colleen) before falling asleep

-going on walks

-walking down the block to have a picnic in colonel sumner park

-staying up late into the night just to get to hear andy's keys in the door

-doing laundry and folding someone else's clothes :)

blah blah blah......i could go on forever.