Friday, October 22, 2010

the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself...

the weepies and lucy schwartz.
rock my world.
andy took me last night for an early birthday present.
it was beautiful.

they took me back to when i still lived in arizona.
i kinda miss that danni.
i feel like i changed a lot after moving here, and not all in a great way.
i've been paralyzed in fear...
fear of failing
(especially after the art school incident...of making a rash decision and being left with waaaay too much debt. i try to think that i wouldn't be here without that school, but in the end i'm not sure if that was a good idea..)
fear of being known
(seriously! i have quit doing all that i used to loooove doing. because i fear failing and i fear of not matching up to everyone up here...maybe i haven't found my niche just yet, or maybe i passed it due to said fear.)
i think fear of failing really sums it up.
but i'm losing my mind. so jesus please help me figure this out!

anyways, after having a melt down, andy took me to the show. i had to hide my tears throughout the night (because how girly would it be to cry at a weepies show!?) everything was cutting so close to home. i am so tired of feeling worn out, alone, and unworthy.
i'm my harshest critic, but i pin it on everyone else.

so. i'm writing it here to make it more real.
mostly because i don't dare say it out loud to andy because i tend to say a lot of empty epiphanies to excuse my melt downs.

i'm just going to be.
i'm going to be the danni i want to be. the one i'm supposed to be.
cause this isn't her.
i'm going to start writing more.
i'm going to dust off my old nikon.
i'm going to listen to music and sit in silence more.
i'm going to pray.
i'm going to read.
i'm not going to give up or throw in the towel anymore.
life is in the perspective.
so i won't paint myself the victim anymore, cause i sure wasn't fooling anyone.

i leave you with these lyrics...

Yesterday when you were young
Everything you needed done was done for you
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, what can you do?

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

You know there will be days
When you're so tired
That you can't take another step
The night will have no stars
And you'll think you've gone as far
As you will ever get

You and me wak on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

And yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
Yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
If you ever turn around, you'll see me

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back

show and tell!

OCTOBER?! where are you going!!!!!!!
sorry i stink at posting, i get wrapped up in reading about everyone else in the world...
i feel as though i've fallen off this planet, and landed on one of my very own!
so here's what's going down on my planet...

-we got a wee bitty kitten! her name is olive. and we are best friends.

my former neighbor found her on the side of the road and she was barely a pound! we had a flea massacre, and now she is cuddly and adorable!

but...she's i all day i have fearfully walk around our apartment hoping she isn't stalking my limbs. she consistently targets my bite. i feel like i understand her pain though. my wisdom teeth are coming in, and it DOES hurt. so bite on lil' lady.
i feel like such a weirdo, but she is the coolest lil' thing ever. i love her.

-i've been sick like every day. head aches head aches go awayyyy

-i got a job! but they keep pushing back my start date....blugh. i just wanna work people!

-so, in the mean time, i've been sewing, playing with olive, and watching so much freaking law and order svu. i can't get enough of that stuff! i can seriously predict who the bad guy is after ten minutes into the show. so you know who to call if you need a detective i guess!

-i'm falling more and more in love with my husband, (mush mush mush, i know. but i'd be lying if i didn't bring it up!) with this lack of job and feeling like i live on my own planet, i've been having a few emotional breakdowns. in the past, i'd just call my mom, hash it out, and pretend nothing ever happened. but now i live with this stud of a man, and i can't help but emotionally vomit all over him. bless him. i can't express how thankful i am for him.

-andy's been working like a mad man. and i'm learning how to be his partner in all of this, without complaining and stuff....

-we went to the weepies concert! but i have to post another posty thing for that experience

-OH! our hard cider is now drinkable! oooooh it's tasty. kind of tastes like champagne, and boy is it alcoholic! i think we may have added a bit too much sugar or something! sheesh!

i don't know what else to write.
this all sounded so much wittier and cute in my head.